I can’t go back to yesterday, I was a different person then
The DSM-IV and DSM-5 ( the pschistrists book of diagnosed mental illnesses) has pointed out key features someone must exhibit to have Borderline Personality ( also known as the cop out name Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder)
Often the person will have other personality disorders or mental health problems alongside BPD ( cos we are lucky 😀 )
You can read the official diagnostic for BPD and the other recognised personality disorders HERE HERE HERE
I’m not going to recite what the professionals say. This is my own version from personal experience.
*have mine alongside severe depression and possibly bipolar. But it can be alongside autism spectrum, schizophrenia, bipolar and others
*it is classed as a SEVERE mental illness (to all those people who say we make it up)
*More people with BPD commit suicide then any other mental illness. Almost 10% will Seriously try.
* we are not bunny boilers or violent. Someone could have anti social PD mixed in or just be an arse in general.
We can be obsessive and may come on too strong….
Because the part of the brain that regulates emotions ain’t working. It’s been shown on brain scans ( to all those who say you can recover and its purely behavioural!!)
To me it is like being trapped within a huge tidal wave of emotions. Everything is done by emotional impulse.
My other symptoms include ;
- Psychosis -pseudo and full. I hear voices, radio, songs, people, banging, screaming, footsteps, doors opening, someone breaking in…..
- I See things. From wobbly shapes through to people as real as you, walking towards me, sitting next to me, dark scary women, children with knives, walls covered in blood, men trying to break in…
- Paranoia is a nightmare for BPD sufferers. Low confidence plus a usually shitty past and we hardly trust anyone. If left too long it turns into
- Paranoid delusions. My mind makes up false memories. I can see, smell, remember everything in detAil, enough for me to have made police complaints before… But it’s not real. Our heads lie.
- Mood swings, from kid at Christmas excited to catatonic depression. My swings last from a week-a few months but they can swing several times a day
- Impulsive behaviour. Reckless behaviour. Promiscuity
- Anxiety, panic, low self esteem
- Can easily change my personality to what people want. This is also a defense mechanism but it leads to…. Not knowing who I am. What is MY identity! I take on fake identity but I’ve lost me somewhere.
- Too many emotions too extreme!!! Normal persons sad is like grief like someone has died. Will be inconsolable for days. Annoying things… I will feel rage and will stay awake for nights stewing and plotting my revenge. All acts against us, no matter how tiny, are seen as acts of betrayal and I easily cut people out my life.
- The desperate need for love and belonging, we are emotionally like children. We need to be saved….. But Noone saves us. We fear above all else, abAndoment. We will end things and withdraw in a push pull inner struggle to avoid the pain of that! It hurts so much just makes me want to die and I detest myself
So underneath the clever chameleon act, the sexy, funny, intelligent girl underneath it all…. I just feel a pit of lonliness and emptiness and that terrifies me.
I follow emotional impulses blindly to try and cover the void inside me, I get too attached to the wrong men, have casual sex, behave VERY risky, have self medicated with drugs, done crazy, insane , impulse things….
All to try and feel happy.
That is all I have ever wanted and the only thing I have never achieved.
My head won’t let me.
So people with borderline aren’t selfish, manipulative, pscho.
If anything it’s the opposite as we feel too much.