Dangerous obsession – the actions of a bunny boiler

It’s a poor sort of memory – said the white queen to Alice – the type that only works backwards

this one isn’t about me, but someone I know. I have never reached this lofty height of hyper focus and obsession with a guy ( tho I have had moments )

She hasn’t got BPD but not sure what she has got. Some kind of personLity disorder for sure and ADHD.

Now I happen to be in the middle as I know both parties and it’s quite scary to see this behaviour I had mini varieties of up close and personal.

Basically this guy and this girl were friends. We shall call them John and Bea

Then through Beas own obsessions, desires, malignant behaviour and self sabotage she has destroyed this friendship to a point he now blocks her and is in a state of high anger and anxiety. 

So our tragic tale of love and obsession begins;


Once upon a time there was a young lady called Bea. She had a gorgeous brood of children and loving and supportive parents and a few really good friends

She struggled sometimes as she liked to be in control and showed little appreciation or empathy to anyone. Even her own children. 

Her mind was obsessive and she needed to get her own way to be happy. 

She had a long distance friend, a nice man, John. He was friendly and chatty but she had no romantic interest in him at all. She expressed this very clearly to lots of people.

In fact she was still chasing after her ex, a married man.

So one day Bea and her friend met up with John and that’s when the issues started ….


Beas friend and John got on well, as friends and Bea didn’t like this. 

She threw a spectacular tantrum, ranting, raving and storming out screaming. 

She accused her friend of stealing the man she wanted and ever since she has convinced herself she always fancied him and her friend was a Succubus who “mugged her off” with pure treachery and stole her man 

There was no reasoning with Bea and she cut herself off from her friend and John.

Silently stalking profiles and sending vile venom filled texts to me about them

She refused to talk to either of them to clarify any issues and in her head this innocent incident turned into a vile misdeed against her of epic proportions. 

She started leaving nAsty messeges to both and finally when she was blocked she started sending texts to John that she was going to hurt herself and needed help. 

Of course she didn’t she was also texting me constantly, there was and is no reasoning with her. 

After a month of this I have told her “to let it go” move on. I’ve tried explaining how John may be feeling but she can’t understand how anyone except herself feels. 

She won’t let it go. 

It’s all she thinks Bout

It’s all she talks about 

This is now a totally false memory in her head now. Far from the innocent encounter it was. 

I feel it is her lack of control and hyper concentration that has left her so obsessed and blinded to any other event or people in her life.

It must be a terrible place to be but I don’t feel sympathy for her as she would never ever feel sympathy for Anyone else.

She continues now to send vile epic messeges to John who is very confused and hurt by the whole thing.

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CBT super mini class

Where shall I go? – alice.                   That depends on where you want to end up – Cheshire Cat 

A lot of these thought procedures we have learnt or got stuck with over the years.

They all can worsen depression, guilt, lower self esteem and increase anxiety 

Just being aware of them and trying to identify which ones you use can be the first step in changing them

Our greatest enemy is our own head and can allow us to let ourselves be treated badly or treat ourselves badly. 

To start recovery we must

  • Forgive ourselves
  • Love ourselves
  • Lose regrets
  • Be kind to ourselves!
  • Lose negative people lol

CBT therapy I did find helpful for this process, see my post RE therapies under menu xxx

Reality that’s not Reality+ control

I know who I was this morning but I have changed several times since then- Alice

Our perception of reality and moods can change quickly, plus changing persinalities to please different people leads us into the question…. Who am I? What is my identity?

We question what we believe as paranoia can distort reality as can depression, mania, stress etc

Again, cbt teaches us to use facts if we are unsure.  I write the facts against my “instincts” to see if it is really likely or if it’s paranoia


I find a lot of my paranoia has come from my past. I had two long term controlling relationships.

One with a nasty, sociopathic like guy for 9 years who was obviousky controlling. No one liked him.

He was abusive, beat me down until I hid all my emotions and was a shell.

Next was a guy I thought was totally different, he had none of the red flags the first one did.

But he was equally as damaging emotionally as he played the victim controller.

No violence or overt manipulation. Was all done as if it was real and my opinion of myself plummeted into hate, disgust and I was an evil bitch

This has left scars. Paranoia of men, getting into another controlling relationship. I think all men will do the same. I push away normal as I don’t get normal. What is it?

I pull as I desperately need love then I push so they can’t hurt me.

More on red flags on controlling men and women soon

Animals as therapy

I think a pet can be really helpful and improve times of lonliness and increase happiness.

Especially dogs, I got 3 cats and they like a stroke but they are quite narcisstic lol

They have trained mental health dogs in the states I think, much like guide dog, but it’s not come across the pond yet.

Though I think dogs are naturally loving and good without special training.

Obviously you need to think about it carefully!!! You got to be able to fufill all the dogs needs… Not your own.

So if you are considering one here’s some points to consider:

Are you manic – do not buy a dog !

Are you stable enough to provide basic needs and care?

Have you been thinking about it for a good length of time and really thought about the responsibility

If you work long hours best not get one ( in my opinion) unless someone is at home

What size dog for your accommodation

Type of dog, the personality and temperament

The care needs of the dog – best not get a super active dog that needs 5 walks a day if u are in bed most of the time!

Can you afford to look after it properly?  Vaccinations, working, flea treatment, vet bills, food, grooming etc

Are you well enough to look after it and cope with the responsibility?

Do you have someone who would look after it when you go away?

Consider a rescue dog if you have no young kids or cats lol

Do you have experience with dog ownership? If not research all you can

Don’t buy from a puppy farm

Mix breeds tend to have less health problems then pedigrees

Get it neutered or spayed!

So after considering these and thinking bout it I have waited 2 years before finally putting down a deposit on a puppy yesterday.

I couldn’t get one before as I was working long hours, then I was too ill.

I have had dogs before.

I chose little Lottie here 🙂 a small dog smaller than my cats when full grown. I will collect her at 8 weeks old at end of month. And I cannot wait!!!!

Emptiness inside me 

So I was discussing the concept of “feeling empty” with a lady on one of my support groups.

It’s a hard concept to explain as lonliness is still something inside, maybe it’s more like apathy?

Or maybe it’s because we spend so long as chameleons defensively changing our identities to fit into whatever situation we are in… We lose track of our inner true identity??

What does everyone think emptiness means??

Xxxxxx

Paranoia… Someone is watching me

Borderline and paranoia go hand in hand. We find it hard to trust, isolate ourselves to prevent harm and react terribly to any seen betrayal.

I have found using a bit of CBT helps.

Eg :

What is your paranoid thought?

What facts do you have to support this?

What facts do you have against it?


This helps me control my emotions and working out what really real and what is my perceived reality. 

It’s taken a long time to do this though and I sometimes forget, but that’s what I got my anti psychotics for.

I see dead people… Psychosis

I’m not strange,weird,off not crazy. My reality is just different from yours – Alice

I don’t see dead people. But I have seen people who aren’t there. More detail on my menu pages.

I once turned to see a lady sitting right next to me, as real as anything! Boy that made me jump. 

Women, children, animals and men I see, all quite menacing ( why can’t it be puppies lol)

And also get auditory hallucinations from music to footsteps, shouts, screams banging etc.

Paranoid delusions are the worst I find and have got me in so much trouble.

So psychosis includes more than people think;

  • Voices ( external) can be talking to you or not
  • Hallucinations
  • Paranoia
  • Delusions
  • False memories
  • Flash backs ( and false memory flash backs)
  • Auditory hallucinations
  • Rapid and incoherent speech/sentences/pacing/extreme OCD 
  • Some people also get taste and smells that aren’t there.
  • Feeling things, eg bugs in the skin

I know they can be caused by 

Lack of sleep

Illegal drugs

Legal drugs

Fever/infection

But what I would like to know is how they occur and why we see the things we do. 


Been trying to research this but there is suprisingly little out there.

Mental illnesses that can have pschosis;

Schizophrenia ( the most common obe for pschosis)

Bipolar manics

Severe depression 

Borderline personality 

Dementia.

Just be interested to hear others thought on the subject, and if they get more psedo pschosis ( where deep down u know it ain’t real)

Or full psychosis. 

The meds have reduced mine significantly, not seen no creepy arse women in months!

Tho I did have a bad psychotic episode from paranoia last month. 

Xx

Panic time with therapist…

So after spending forever choosing a therapist, I was growing increasingly paranoid he hadn’t replied for 2 weeks about our next session!!

I was having the most insane thoughts and images

He thinks I’m annoying so he’s ignoring me

He thinks I’m too fucked up to help

He thinks I fancy him so is avoiding

He’s a rude, arrogant, unprofessional wankstain and I will drive to his house and out spiders in his pillow cases

But then I remembered cbt and to rely on FACTS not emotions.

So thought

It’s been Xmas and he’s got 4 kids so prob busy

Maybe just turned work phone off for couple weeks break

So the old me would have:

Sent a ranting, angry, badly spelt email, dumping him as therapist and accusing him of misconduct and all kind of evil punishments 😉

New me, I calmly typed a nice polite email and I mentioned I was concerned and how it had made me feel ( you got to be honest with your therapist guys)

But it was all very grown up.

Yay me!

And he did reply so meeting next week

Xxx

2015 Advice 

  • Learn to love yourself and put yourself first. Don’t people please
  • Learn to recognise signs of toxic relationships
  • Be as healthy as your mental state allows

  • Get rid of ALL negative people from your life! All of them.
  • Be kind to others
  • Ask for help when you need it and don’t be afraid to push doctors to help you feel better
  • Be happy! Happy in your own company will ease abondonment

  • Do things you enjoy now. Don’t put things off
  • Don’t be money orientated. Happiness doesn’t come from that.
  • Reward yourself for small things when unwell. Be kind to yourself!!!

The Crap people say about BPD

Borderline bitchIMG_4857

IMG_4848
Just google “borderline personality disorder” and a wealth of opinionated sites and forums comes up within the factual sites.
“My borderline bitch ex girlfriend made my life hell”
“Devil borderline woman”
And even “borderline disorder is made up by manipulative women to excuse their appalling behaviour.”
image
Along with depictions of Bpd in the media such as Glenn Close Bunny boiler, violent, obsessed woman in fatal attraction and other such unstable women.
Linked with with several serial killers and notorious celebrities it is no wonder this personality disorder has such negativity and ignorance around it
First off there are several other personality disorders which have manipulation, control, obsession and violence more marked than BPD.
Many mental illnesses can cause similar behaviour.
Sociopaths, narcissist, anti social personality disorder, bipolar extremes, depression, schizophrenia and many others can all exhibit the same behaviours.

Continue reading “The Crap people say about BPD”