Medication Time!

I have been taking various anti deoressents for 16 years and reffered to mental health team on a number of occosions.

I insisted they weren’t helping with the impulses and manic and anxiety and panic, but I was discharged. 

CBT help a bit with negative thoughts and I do reccomend that one. It’s non intrusive into your past so it’s not as triggering as other therapies.

So fast forward 14 years later, I finally kick out the abusive ex and all those emotions I have carefully hidden and avoided for 9 years, came tumbling out like an erupting volcano.

My mental health deteriorated and I reached a whole new level of crazy!!!

More on the events of those 2 years later….. It’s bad, really bad. 

Finally in April this year the hyper manic phase stopped, and I crashed from flying through the sky.. Queen of the fucking world… Into catatonic deoression for 4 months.

The first 7 months of 2014 were the worst in my life. 

For 3 months I just slept or watched TV apathetically in bed.

I couldn’t wash, clean my teeth, open post, cook, hell even rolling over took 2 hours of thinking about it first.

After 3 months of not going outside my sister forced me to the doctor.

I got re-reffered to psychiatrist and finally got correct diagnosis and medication. 

This was a whole new world to me, different psychiatric meds. 

But it’s the same meds as for bipolar. 

Because I’m more depressive I got given a super strong anti depressent; venaflaxine

( if you are more manic anti deoressents can send you sky high so watch out)

Then I had an anti psychotic to help the pschosis, paranoia, voices, anxiety and panic.

And finally the last one I got was a mood stabiliser

I have Lamotrigrine. Again this is one a bit more tailored to depression but I’ve found this cocktail has worked for me

slowly, ever so slowly ( like 6 months) I started to improve.

I stopped feeling suicidal all the time, 

I went out once every 2 weeks, then twice, and so on. 

Even now, 8 months on, I’m not how I was. I’m in recovery and it’s been a bloody awful time but I do feel a hell of a lot better than before.

My depressive cycles now last a week-10 days rather than months,,, and I only get the exhausted symptons now, so I sleep a lot and stay in bed. 

My manics.. I’ve had a few super crazy psychotic episodes and paranoid ones, but they are less too. ( if I catch the symotons)

More on these later. 

I also have sedatives as take when required, but all in all I take 8 tablets twice each day now. Suprised I don’t rattle.

It’s a trial and error process with finding the right medication mix. 

What works for one won’t work for another.

I didn’t get on at all with quetiapine, so had it changed, but it works wonders for other people.

Just be kind to yourself, know it will pass and recovery, although slow, will happen xxx

Borderline relationship

I have to admit, I do struggle most with relationships. 

I get involved too fast to fill the emptiness within me, I love too much and ignore red flags, I am terrified of abAndoment and used to do everything I could to keep a man

Now I push them away before they can hurt me. 

This is a recent argument I had with one boyfriend that highlights the damage the past has caused my emotions and psyche;

Him: what’s wrong babe you are so quiet.

Me (through gritted teeth in a seething whisper) : You lied to meeeed

Him (normal time of voice) :what?,what are you talking about ? I don’t lie. Lied about what?? 

Me (in hysterical scream) : DONT SHOUT AT ME!!!!! ( break down into hysterical crying

Him ( gentle voice and looking extremely confused) : babe I wouldn’t lie to you…

Me: you are just the same as the others! I don’t know what you are lying about, but you are!

 Yes I am nuts I know. 

But men all through my adult life have left me unable to function within a healthy relationship. 

If I’m paranoid ( which isn’t too bad Amy more thank god) I will

  • Accuse the guy of cheating on me with ex/random girl whoever
  • I will get delusions and become 100% convinced they are true
  • False memories
  • Text the guy many many many insulting messeges 
  • Be absolutely distraught, as these thoughts are REAL to me at the time. I haven’t known pain like it. 

Will dump the guy at least once a week then carry on as normal after a couple of days….

So yes I’m hard work because of past abuse and controlling people making me hyper paranoid and vigilant AND cos of my brains inability to regulate emotions, think rationally and also my depression changes the way I perceive reality. 

I don’t know what a normal relationship is…. I’ve lived off drama, anger, conflict, manipulation, abuse and having to adapt my personality to have a peaceful life. 

But of course it’s never been peaceful, my head is a shit. 

I was unmedicated for so many years and I turned to drugs, drink, extreme promiscuity, thrill seeking to get my emotions up and this was so damaging. And I did a LOT of embarrassing things 😉

My therapist is helping me work through these issues along with my meds but more about them later xxxx