Borderline Love

This is an area in which people with BPD struggle intensely. 

We usually have a train wreck of relationships, broken marriages, unsuitable, unavailable partners, and also more prone to being hooked in by controlling, narcissistic or dependent partners.  

Many factors ensure maximum chaos and destruction in a BPD relationship. 

*Out of control emotions

These can push people away when we become obsessively jealous, have fire fueled rages, deep depression, low self esteem, pschosis or overwhelming with all our love

*Push Pull

Adoration and devaluation when doubt creeps in our mind. From all consuming love to cold apathy in seconds. 

*Paranoia of abandonment  

Jealousy, excessive texts, calls, out of control emotions, psychosis, to the extreme of stalking, accusations etc

*To fill the emptiness inside

This is why we can be more prone to falling for other cluster B personality disorders, narcistics, controlling, manipulative people.

We need to feel wanted, huge amounts of love to stop the paranoia and emotiness. We tend to overlook all faults to maintain our “fairy tale love” fantasy.

The alternative seems too scary.

*Self harm, suicidal thoughts;

This is very very hard for us to deal with and we understand it ( kinda)

To people with no knowledge this is scary and can send people running or end up with a malignant or equally as “damaged” person. Either is no good for us. 

*Impulsiveness- sex

Sometimes we may or may not cheat. 

We may do things without thinking, reckless behaviour, live for the moment.

I will do another post on how to have a healthy relationship. It’s extra hard as many of us don’t know what normal is.  

In brief these things will help;



*having our own lives, activities to be happy in ourselves. 

*recognising red flags to bad relationships.

Reality that’s not Reality+ control

I know who I was this morning but I have changed several times since then- Alice

Our perception of reality and moods can change quickly, plus changing persinalities to please different people leads us into the question…. Who am I? What is my identity?

We question what we believe as paranoia can distort reality as can depression, mania, stress etc

Again, cbt teaches us to use facts if we are unsure.  I write the facts against my “instincts” to see if it is really likely or if it’s paranoia

I find a lot of my paranoia has come from my past. I had two long term controlling relationships.

One with a nasty, sociopathic like guy for 9 years who was obviousky controlling. No one liked him.

He was abusive, beat me down until I hid all my emotions and was a shell.

Next was a guy I thought was totally different, he had none of the red flags the first one did.

But he was equally as damaging emotionally as he played the victim controller.

No violence or overt manipulation. Was all done as if it was real and my opinion of myself plummeted into hate, disgust and I was an evil bitch

This has left scars. Paranoia of men, getting into another controlling relationship. I think all men will do the same. I push away normal as I don’t get normal. What is it?

I pull as I desperately need love then I push so they can’t hurt me.

More on red flags on controlling men and women soon

Panic time with therapist…

So after spending forever choosing a therapist, I was growing increasingly paranoid he hadn’t replied for 2 weeks about our next session!!

I was having the most insane thoughts and images

He thinks I’m annoying so he’s ignoring me

He thinks I’m too fucked up to help

He thinks I fancy him so is avoiding

He’s a rude, arrogant, unprofessional wankstain and I will drive to his house and out spiders in his pillow cases

But then I remembered cbt and to rely on FACTS not emotions.

So thought

It’s been Xmas and he’s got 4 kids so prob busy

Maybe just turned work phone off for couple weeks break

So the old me would have:

Sent a ranting, angry, badly spelt email, dumping him as therapist and accusing him of misconduct and all kind of evil punishments 😉

New me, I calmly typed a nice polite email and I mentioned I was concerned and how it had made me feel ( you got to be honest with your therapist guys)

But it was all very grown up.

Yay me!

And he did reply so meeting next week


I can’t get no sleep…

Well post meds I don’t get the catatonic low or the dangerous, bat shit crazy highs.

I do still get mood swings, just far less severe and for shorter times.

Last week I was depressive. Sleeping most the time… God I was exhausted!!!

This week I’m still as unproductive, but I can’t sleep. AT ALL.

Well I can take some super strength sedatives but they make me snore like a warlus and hangover in morning.

So I spend my insomniac nights in bed ( as always) researching random things on Google.

From worlds most dangerous countries, to kitten videos, to copyright information everything!

Last night it was tarantulas. Lol I now know a heck of a lot about these bad boys and girls 😉

I hate spiders but after a couple videos I started to find it really interesting.

I would be an ace in a pub quiz 😉