Depression

So I’m finally coming out the other side. 4 months this time of milder depression than last year but still 80% time in bed.

This is how I view my catatonic, severe depression I had last year when I was in bed 6 months unable to move. 

“I awake and feel bleak. I feel alone. I feel cold. I feel nothing.

I’m in a huge cavern, sharp jagged rocks litter the floor and the walls are smooth. 

It’s always night, and the moonlight streams in through the only exit. A small hole , the size of a manhole cover, is in the ceiling about 20 metres above me.

I can’t climb the sheer walls, I try and fall on the sharp rocks. 

I sit in a corner, bloody and bruised, arms wrapped round my legs, rocking. 

My only companions are the bats that flutter about sometimes and a few insects that venture into the dark pit.

I scream and scream for help

No one comes

I cry, I sob, I wail. 

No one comes.

I’m alone and I stop trying to get out and sit there rocking. Unable to move”

I’ve had this image in my head since I was 15. Each time the depression engulfed me.

I have figured out over the years this is obviously symbolic and the bats and insects represent people in my life whilst I am depressed. 

I can’t relate to them or talk to them, as people may as well be a different species whilst I am alone in my pit. 

Alone in a crowd kinda thing. They can’t help me. 

I can’t help me.

A super high dose anti depressents helped me ! Slowly soooooo slowly

Month after month I slowly improved a little.

A year on and I still improve every month. 

Some months I seem to go back but I got to carry on. 

The weather is helping hugely, plus my puppy as I get out twice a day to walk her. 

I still isolate myself a lot but have been starting to see my family again. Not for too long lol but it’s a start. 

Having catatonic depression is a disability.

You cannot physically move. It’s like the connection between brain and limbs is faulty.

You can’t bath, shower, clean teeth, get post let alone pay bills, cool etc

Just a prisoner in your bed. Thinking about getting that glass of water on your bedside table for 2 hours before you can muster the strength to do it. 

Left alone with your morbid thoughts and wishing to die, but being too apathetic an lethargic to do anything about it.

Clinical depression cannot be helped by excercise etc. you cannot physically move to even go to kitchen let alone out.

Once you start to recover things like that help, but not whilst down in the depths of the cavern. 

It’s like will excercise, milky drinks, yoga or hot baths help me get out of that cavern floor? No course they won’t. 

We need a rope and than gradually be lifted up. 

My rope was medication x 

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4 thoughts on “Depression

  1. Hi, thanks Joyce.

    Last year was the worse bout of depression I’ve ever had.
    My mental health has just got worse and worse over the 20 years because I wasn’t diagnosed correctly.

    I was treated for depression and panic disorder, but they kept discharging me despite me saying I wasn’t improving.

    Then I turned to self medication to cope.

    Then after lots bad events I went loopy bat shit crazy for a year on a manic ( I can’t remember most of that year and get baaaad flashbacks)
    Then I crashed.

    That’s when I got a correct diagnosis and proper strong anti depressents, mood stabiliser and anti psychotics.

    The depression I get now isn’t to that extreme. I just lack motivation and sleep a lot. But still lasts too long 😉

    I read your poem, I think it’s awesome

    Like

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