Borderline vs Narcisst in love

He was part of my dream, as much as I was part of his dream – alice 

Im gonna refer to the Borderline as she and narcissit as he. Just to make things easier.

I have had first hand experiences with male narcissist. One of my exes was one, one other was extremely controlling in a victim like way.

A narcissit is an entirely different creature to us, and far harder to spot than a typically abusive controller.

The red flags are different which is what made me walk straight into the clutches of one. 

Narcissists are attracted to borderlines and vulnerable individuals, I think it’s our huge amounts of emotions and willingness and desperatness to love and not be alone.

We fill up the emptiness inside them and believe their bullshit because we want to. We make a great Narc “source”

I’m not gonna go into full detail on everything, there’s tons info out there, we just got to have our eyes open.  This is based on my experiences.

There are obviousky high and low functioning narcissists.

  • They have far less, if any empathy, they have a hard or impossible time understanding emotions and how people feel. Do they express concern for others or say ” they must feel ( enter emotion )
  • Lack of guilt, responsibility. Listen next they are telling you things. Are they never to blame? Are their exes all evil bitches? Does every boss they have pick on them? Do they brush off their misdeeds to put onto you?
  • Gaslighting a form of mental abuse that makes us question our reality. Our illness can increase short term memory loss and paranoia. This means we are sitting ducks for this. “Oh you are just being paranoid again” this one is tricky as u may not realise. Write down facts vs emotions to see if it is paranoia
  • Love bombardment. We crave love. We lap up what they tell us. They tend to move very fast very quick eg saying they love us, moving In.  But in reality normal functioning relationships aren’t this rushed. It takes time to truly know and love someone.  
  • After they feel they have you, they lose interest. Stop pretending to listen. This is extremely cruel and confusing for a BPD girl. We may try harder or we may push away. As long as they feel they have us, and we are of use to them, they will stay in love bombardment. But this never lasts forever.
  • Dump you without reason and very quickly. Usually coming back a few times to check they can still have you 
  • Positive reinforcement. Praise you if you do something they like, say nothing if it’s something they don’t like. We are natural people pleasers 
  • Infanalization; they use words you would use to children “silly, confused, poo poo, wee wee, ” they take over tasks you are doing as you need help, or to relax. This effects our self belief, treat them like a parent and our reliance on them
  • May or may not slag off your family. They may need to isolate you, but depends on the type of narcisst they are
  • They don’t listen to you or your decisions
  • They make out everything they do is for you 
  • They don’t admit blame. Or if they do they are just pretending to keep you sweet
  • They mimic your emotions so you think they are normal 
  • They may have an inflated and unwarranted sense of entitlement and grandiose. They may value status and appearance very highly and want you to appear perfect to the world. Trophy on the arm. 
  • They look up only to people they want to be like eg really rich and popular. Anyone else always has major faults
  • They do not have insight usually. They do not know their personality and behaviour is malignant and unhealthy. They think they are right, anyone else is jealous . So can they be helped?? Not unless they gain insight and genuinely want to. So not very often.
  • A narc is a narc for life. You cannot change them. Ever.  A snake will always have the nature of a snake.
  • They will drain you like a vampire if left too long. Under their control.
  • The only way to win with a narc is to walk away and stay away. 

So watch out for red flags, research but don’t be too paranoid, I find it hard with “normal” guys as their behaviour is really alien to me. I’m forever thinking they are the devil incarnate deep down. 

It causes a lot of anxiety 

But ultimately, a borderline is stronger than a narcissit. We come out, scarred battered and bruised, but we are fighters and survivors.

We have felt heartbreak many times and know it passes. We can turn off. Emotions and carry on like the terminator.

The narcissit will always be bitter, jealous and resentful of exes and people who have wronged him, keeping him unhappy and in the past.  He willalways be searching for his  next supply … Which never lasts them long.  And be resentful of us, the one that got away, long long after we have moved on and forgotten him.

There is a brilliant article here:


Letting go of Resentments

My dear, we must run as fast as we can to stay in place. If we want to go anywhere we need to run twice as fast

This is a hugely important step of recovery to become more stable.

We need to live in the here and now, not the past. But the past needs dealing with to be happy in the here and now. 

Hatred of a person who has hurt us, abused us or caused negative events is a strong emotion, and takes up so much time and energy, it’s also very negative and prevents being able to move on. 

We can also resent ourselves and beat ourselves up, even over things caused by others or mistakes we have made.

In some ways it is harder to forgive ourselves then others, especially as we internalise things. 

So how do we do this? Emotions are hard to leave behind. 

Personally, I could let go of people who had wronged me as I believe karma will get them somewhere down the line, and to forget them is to be free. Also life lessons can be useful to avoid the same traps in future.

Forgiving myself was and is still harder. I blamed myself for everything, partly due to always having to be the responsible one from an early age and not having anyone to talk to, partly because narcisstic and controlling men convinced me it was my fault.

Also some things were my fault. I messed up, I forgot, I was selfish, I got my priorities wrong. 

But most importantly… Which I often forgot..

I was human.

I look at my positive points, I accept and try to believe compliments now, I am trying to learn to love myself.

Things that can help get over resentment;

Medication: depression can distort our thinking, we need to be out of that fog to think clearly

CBT to evaluate our negative thoughts about ourselves and are they true?

Accept we all make mistakes, other people make mistakes. It’s learning from them that’s important. 

Apologise if you have wronged others, if you can make Ammends, do. Than move on. 

Think well wishes against those who have wronged us… I know this may not be possible and sounds strange, but it’s part of addiction recovery program 12 steps:  by wishing our abusers well, peace and ability to change we are removing the negative emotions we feel and replacing with good. Try it! It may work 

Love yourself, praise yourself, be a bit selfish, ignore negative people, don’t care what they think. Be at peace. Things are done we can’t change them. Atone if we can but move on. 

See if others have manipulated you to feel this way

Therapy- and a good therapist can help you unravel your past and forgive yourself

Talking to someone. This can help you see things clearly.

Forget revenge. Forget rumour spreading, forget slagging them off to everyone. This won’t help you let go and you may regret it

This is still a work in progress with me.

I have mostly forgiven abusers now, but it’s myself I’m working on. I’m starting to get there but delving through the past will take time.

Advice they can shove!

Well I’ve never heard it before but it sounds uncommon nonsense

We have all had it. 

“Helpful” and well meaning advice on our illness that is just annoying, harmful and not true!!

I think this comes through lack of knowledge as a whole in the general population, the stigma of mental illness, close relatives in denial you have such a “shameful” thing and just pure arseholery. 

Give them all a week of catatonic deoression and panic attacks I say! They will soon change their tune

More worryingly, some of these were said to me by mental health professionals!!!!

Just do your breathing excersises

Have you tried meditation?

Have a hot milky drink

Have a hot bath

Go do some excersise and get fresh air

It’s all in your head

It’s probably just a virus

You haven’t got any reason to be depressed?

In my day, we just got on with things

It’s laziness

Your a hypochondriac

They like to label anything these days

You are fine

Just don’t think about it, it’s easy. 

Have you tried self help book/website

You need to sort yourself out

It’s not like you got cancer or anything

Those tablets won’t help you, they just placebos

You are just a drama queen 

And I’m sure there’s many more. 

Feel free to add your own pearls of wisdom you have been told 😉

By the way I do think some of those things are helpful ONCE you are more stable !!! Not before. They can help prevent relapses 

Eg excercise, mindfulness , doing things 

Dangerous obsession – the actions of a bunny boiler

It’s a poor sort of memory – said the white queen to Alice – the type that only works backwards

this one isn’t about me, but someone I know. I have never reached this lofty height of hyper focus and obsession with a guy ( tho I have had moments )

She hasn’t got BPD but not sure what she has got. Some kind of personLity disorder for sure and ADHD.

Now I happen to be in the middle as I know both parties and it’s quite scary to see this behaviour I had mini varieties of up close and personal.

Basically this guy and this girl were friends. We shall call them John and Bea

Then through Beas own obsessions, desires, malignant behaviour and self sabotage she has destroyed this friendship to a point he now blocks her and is in a state of high anger and anxiety. 

So our tragic tale of love and obsession begins;

Once upon a time there was a young lady called Bea. She had a gorgeous brood of children and loving and supportive parents and a few really good friends

She struggled sometimes as she liked to be in control and showed little appreciation or empathy to anyone. Even her own children. 

Her mind was obsessive and she needed to get her own way to be happy. 

She had a long distance friend, a nice man, John. He was friendly and chatty but she had no romantic interest in him at all. She expressed this very clearly to lots of people.

In fact she was still chasing after her ex, a married man.

So one day Bea and her friend met up with John and that’s when the issues started ….

Beas friend and John got on well, as friends and Bea didn’t like this. 

She threw a spectacular tantrum, ranting, raving and storming out screaming. 

She accused her friend of stealing the man she wanted and ever since she has convinced herself she always fancied him and her friend was a Succubus who “mugged her off” with pure treachery and stole her man 

There was no reasoning with Bea and she cut herself off from her friend and John.

Silently stalking profiles and sending vile venom filled texts to me about them

She refused to talk to either of them to clarify any issues and in her head this innocent incident turned into a vile misdeed against her of epic proportions. 

She started leaving nAsty messeges to both and finally when she was blocked she started sending texts to John that she was going to hurt herself and needed help. 

Of course she didn’t she was also texting me constantly, there was and is no reasoning with her. 

After a month of this I have told her “to let it go” move on. I’ve tried explaining how John may be feeling but she can’t understand how anyone except herself feels. 

She won’t let it go. 

It’s all she thinks Bout

It’s all she talks about 

This is now a totally false memory in her head now. Far from the innocent encounter it was. 

I feel it is her lack of control and hyper concentration that has left her so obsessed and blinded to any other event or people in her life.

It must be a terrible place to be but I don’t feel sympathy for her as she would never ever feel sympathy for Anyone else.

She continues now to send vile epic messeges to John who is very confused and hurt by the whole thing.

CBT super mini class

Where shall I go? – alice.                   That depends on where you want to end up – Cheshire Cat 

A lot of these thought procedures we have learnt or got stuck with over the years.

They all can worsen depression, guilt, lower self esteem and increase anxiety 

Just being aware of them and trying to identify which ones you use can be the first step in changing them

Our greatest enemy is our own head and can allow us to let ourselves be treated badly or treat ourselves badly. 

To start recovery we must

  • Forgive ourselves
  • Love ourselves
  • Lose regrets
  • Be kind to ourselves!
  • Lose negative people lol

CBT therapy I did find helpful for this process, see my post RE therapies under menu xxx

Reality that’s not Reality+ control

I know who I was this morning but I have changed several times since then- Alice

Our perception of reality and moods can change quickly, plus changing persinalities to please different people leads us into the question…. Who am I? What is my identity?

We question what we believe as paranoia can distort reality as can depression, mania, stress etc

Again, cbt teaches us to use facts if we are unsure.  I write the facts against my “instincts” to see if it is really likely or if it’s paranoia

I find a lot of my paranoia has come from my past. I had two long term controlling relationships.

One with a nasty, sociopathic like guy for 9 years who was obviousky controlling. No one liked him.

He was abusive, beat me down until I hid all my emotions and was a shell.

Next was a guy I thought was totally different, he had none of the red flags the first one did.

But he was equally as damaging emotionally as he played the victim controller.

No violence or overt manipulation. Was all done as if it was real and my opinion of myself plummeted into hate, disgust and I was an evil bitch

This has left scars. Paranoia of men, getting into another controlling relationship. I think all men will do the same. I push away normal as I don’t get normal. What is it?

I pull as I desperately need love then I push so they can’t hurt me.

More on red flags on controlling men and women soon

Animals as therapy

I think a pet can be really helpful and improve times of lonliness and increase happiness.

Especially dogs, I got 3 cats and they like a stroke but they are quite narcisstic lol

They have trained mental health dogs in the states I think, much like guide dog, but it’s not come across the pond yet.

Though I think dogs are naturally loving and good without special training.

Obviously you need to think about it carefully!!! You got to be able to fufill all the dogs needs… Not your own.

So if you are considering one here’s some points to consider:

Are you manic – do not buy a dog !

Are you stable enough to provide basic needs and care?

Have you been thinking about it for a good length of time and really thought about the responsibility

If you work long hours best not get one ( in my opinion) unless someone is at home

What size dog for your accommodation

Type of dog, the personality and temperament

The care needs of the dog – best not get a super active dog that needs 5 walks a day if u are in bed most of the time!

Can you afford to look after it properly?  Vaccinations, working, flea treatment, vet bills, food, grooming etc

Are you well enough to look after it and cope with the responsibility?

Do you have someone who would look after it when you go away?

Consider a rescue dog if you have no young kids or cats lol

Do you have experience with dog ownership? If not research all you can

Don’t buy from a puppy farm

Mix breeds tend to have less health problems then pedigrees

Get it neutered or spayed!

So after considering these and thinking bout it I have waited 2 years before finally putting down a deposit on a puppy yesterday.

I couldn’t get one before as I was working long hours, then I was too ill.

I have had dogs before.

I chose little Lottie here 🙂 a small dog smaller than my cats when full grown. I will collect her at 8 weeks old at end of month. And I cannot wait!!!!

Emptiness inside me 

So I was discussing the concept of “feeling empty” with a lady on one of my support groups.

It’s a hard concept to explain as lonliness is still something inside, maybe it’s more like apathy?

Or maybe it’s because we spend so long as chameleons defensively changing our identities to fit into whatever situation we are in… We lose track of our inner true identity??

What does everyone think emptiness means??


Paranoia… Someone is watching me

Borderline and paranoia go hand in hand. We find it hard to trust, isolate ourselves to prevent harm and react terribly to any seen betrayal.

I have found using a bit of CBT helps.

Eg :

What is your paranoid thought?

What facts do you have to support this?

What facts do you have against it?

This helps me control my emotions and working out what really real and what is my perceived reality. 

It’s taken a long time to do this though and I sometimes forget, but that’s what I got my anti psychotics for.