My dear, we must run as fast as we can to stay in place. If we want to go anywhere we need to run twice as fast
This is a hugely important step of recovery to become more stable.
We need to live in the here and now, not the past. But the past needs dealing with to be happy in the here and now.
Hatred of a person who has hurt us, abused us or caused negative events is a strong emotion, and takes up so much time and energy, it’s also very negative and prevents being able to move on.
We can also resent ourselves and beat ourselves up, even over things caused by others or mistakes we have made.
In some ways it is harder to forgive ourselves then others, especially as we internalise things.
So how do we do this? Emotions are hard to leave behind.
Personally, I could let go of people who had wronged me as I believe karma will get them somewhere down the line, and to forget them is to be free. Also life lessons can be useful to avoid the same traps in future.
Forgiving myself was and is still harder. I blamed myself for everything, partly due to always having to be the responsible one from an early age and not having anyone to talk to, partly because narcisstic and controlling men convinced me it was my fault.
Also some things were my fault. I messed up, I forgot, I was selfish, I got my priorities wrong.
But most importantly… Which I often forgot..
I was human.
I look at my positive points, I accept and try to believe compliments now, I am trying to learn to love myself.
Things that can help get over resentment;
Medication: depression can distort our thinking, we need to be out of that fog to think clearly
CBT to evaluate our negative thoughts about ourselves and are they true?
Accept we all make mistakes, other people make mistakes. It’s learning from them that’s important.
Apologise if you have wronged others, if you can make Ammends, do. Than move on.
Think well wishes against those who have wronged us… I know this may not be possible and sounds strange, but it’s part of addiction recovery program 12 steps: by wishing our abusers well, peace and ability to change we are removing the negative emotions we feel and replacing with good. Try it! It may work
Love yourself, praise yourself, be a bit selfish, ignore negative people, don’t care what they think. Be at peace. Things are done we can’t change them. Atone if we can but move on.
See if others have manipulated you to feel this way
Therapy- and a good therapist can help you unravel your past and forgive yourself
Talking to someone. This can help you see things clearly.
Forget revenge. Forget rumour spreading, forget slagging them off to everyone. This won’t help you let go and you may regret it
This is still a work in progress with me.
I have mostly forgiven abusers now, but it’s myself I’m working on. I’m starting to get there but delving through the past will take time.