The Crap people say about BPD

Borderline bitch

Just google “borderline personality disorder” and a wealth of opinionated sites and forums comes up within the factual sites.

“My borderline bitch ex girlfriend made my life hell”

“Devil borderline woman”

And even “borderline disorder is made up by manipulative women to excuse their appalling behaviour.”

Along with depictions of Bpd in the media such as Glenn Close Bunny boiler, violent, obsessed woman in fatal attraction and other such unstable women.

Linked with with several serial killers and notorious celebrities it is no wonder this personality disorder has such negativity and ignorance around it

First off there are several other personality disorders which have manipulation, control, obsession and violence more marked than BPD.

Many mental illnesses can cause similar behaviour.

Sociopaths, narcissist, anti social personality disorder, bipolar extremes, depression, schizophrenia and many others can all exhibit the same behaviours.

You only hear about extreme cases, which can make up a very small percentage of the actual population with BPD.

Maybe these exes never even had BPD. Maybe they are just arseholes. There are arseholes in every walk of life. Gold diggers, selfish, controlling arses without a hint of mental illness.

In fact borderlines are far more likely to hurt themselves.

Unlike sociopaths or narcissist they are well aware that they are mentally ill. They are unhappy with themselves. Their heads are in turmoil, emotions out of control and dangerously swinging.

So much grief, so much pain but also so much love and passion.

This can transfer to other people and may be seen as challenging behaviour but we just want to feel happy, get the nice emotions and stop the pain, the emptiness, the lonliness and isolation the illness brings.

We know when we do wrong and the guilt this brings, throw in paranoia, psychotic episodes, delusions and severe depression to make this an awful illness to live with.

Anyone who says it doesn’t exist, count yourself lucky you haven’t experienced it, maybe a day in my head would be good for you to be more open minded.

BPD make up a significant number of people within psychiatric hospitals, many misdiagnosed for years.

It is classed as a severe mental illness and is the mental illness with the highest rate of suicide. 10%.

I’m not sure if this is medicated or unmedicated.

It was called Botderline as sufferers seemed to swing from neurosis to osychosis. Now more and more people are calling it Emotionally unstable. A bit of an understatement I think, especially when I’m in the throes of osychosis and screaming at people that don’t exist, who do to me at the time, or sitting behind the door with a bread knife as I can hear people trying to break in…

Paranoid delusions also common and even more dangerous.

Many times I have “come down” from a manic psychotic period to find a trail of destruction in my life left byy psychotic self.

I can’t remember some things. I have lots of blank spots in my memory, I have seen ranting emails I have sent people, but no recollection of sending.

Things have improved since correct diagnosis and medication but I still get the odd episode if I miss the warning signs.

I still feel the same swing from pure teenage “love and adoration” to completely cold, no emotions, I can cut off emotions easy if I think I’m going get hurt.

I am imoulsuve, always have been since young. I have HUGE amounts of debt , 60k plus by time I was 24 but I don’t care. I don’t pay them back. They don’t bother me( it’s not emotional)

I take risky behaviours based upon emotional impulses.

I don’t fear death.

I don’t seem it anymore now the new super anti Depressent has kicked in, but I wouldn’t care if I knew I was going to die Tommorow.

I mostly keep safer now I have learnt about it, but I still get the impulses and still simetimes act on them.

I am intensly private. Always have been. I learnt not to trust and to look after myself and others.

No one knew when my second ex husband was beating me.

No one knows where I go, what I do, how I feel.

It’s easy to hide. It’s easy to pretend and act.

I have spend three decades learning to act to fit in. It’s not real.

I just learn how to get positive emotional responses from people.

By watching, observing and mimicking other succesful people behaviours.

I fit into any group well because I am a chameleon. From working class ( which is what I am and proud)

Drug dealers to upper class lords and ladies.

This meant i excelled at work, found out all the best information and gossip.

I do love people, like my immediete family and daughter but sometimes I have no love feelings ( or any feelings)

When I’m in defense mode and all my emotions hide.

Then I have to fake love. Even to my daughter.

Yes I feel terrible( when I’m feeling emotions again) but I don’t know what else to do. So much guilt.

It’s all exhausting. I can’t do it all the time, I need time to recharge, be miserable, be alone. I’m not really great in social situations they exhaust me.

I loathe small talk. What is the point unless I’m working??

The nail bar I go to, I love. No one talks English so I am not bothered by annoying ” where you going on your holiday ” crap

I don’t like people, but I crave company.

I need to be alone but I feel so lonely and empty all the time

 Will ignore everyone if I’m in that kind of mood.

The main issue I seem to have problems in is relationships.

This is where my own borderline is hugely, fantastically, dramatically noticeable.

I don’t know what a normal relationship is.

My love life has been an utter train wreck, divorces, broken engagements, casual sex, sexual recklessness, promiscuity and yes I have turned ” bunny boiler” a few times. Though I have never physically hurt anyone and I don’t mean to mentally hurt anyone.

I was misdiagnosed as depression (alone) for 10 years and it is only now, the meds have helped with that, I can see the BPD clearly and start therapy for that.

About 6 years ago they added panic disorder and agoraphobia to my list, last year was bipolar type 1 and it wasn’t until I paid an arm and a leg to go private I received the BPD diagnosis which my own psychiatrist then followed on.

A new stronger anti depressent, mood stabiliser, anti psychotic and sedatives when needed plus sleepers.  Suprised I don’t rattle.

Finally I was home. Forever searching for a fairytale of love, romance, passion and happy ever after.

Forever searching for something that doesn’t exist, but I can’t help but keep searching. That is all that seems important to me sometimes