The Crap people say about BPD

Borderline bitchIMG_4857

Just google “borderline personality disorder” and a wealth of opinionated sites and forums comes up within the factual sites.
“My borderline bitch ex girlfriend made my life hell”
“Devil borderline woman”
And even “borderline disorder is made up by manipulative women to excuse their appalling behaviour.”
Along with depictions of Bpd in the media such as Glenn Close Bunny boiler, violent, obsessed woman in fatal attraction and other such unstable women.
Linked with with several serial killers and notorious celebrities it is no wonder this personality disorder has such negativity and ignorance around it
First off there are several other personality disorders which have manipulation, control, obsession and violence more marked than BPD.
Many mental illnesses can cause similar behaviour.
Sociopaths, narcissist, anti social personality disorder, bipolar extremes, depression, schizophrenia and many others can all exhibit the same behaviours.

You only hear about extreme cases, which can make up a very small percentage of the actual population with BPD.
Maybe these exes never even had BPD. Maybe they are just arseholes. There are arseholes in every walk of life. Gold diggers, selfish, controlling arses without a hint of mental illness.
In fact borderlines are far more likely to hurt themselves.
Unlike sociopaths or narcissist they are well aware that they are mentally ill. They are unhappy with themselves. Their heads are in turmoil, emotions out of control and dangerously swinging.
So much grief, so much pain but also so much love and passion.
This can transfer to other people and may be seen as challenging behaviour but we just want to feel happy, get the nice emotions and stop the pain, the emptiness, the lonliness and isolation the illness brings.
We know when we do wrong and the guilt this brings, throw in paranoia, psychotic episodes, delusions and severe depression to make this an awful illness to live with.
Anyone who says it doesn’t exist, count yourself lucky you haven’t experienced it, maybe a day in my head would be good for you to be more open minded.
BPD make up a significant number of people within psychiatric hospitals, many misdiagnosed for years.
It is classed as a severe mental illness and is the mental illness with the highest rate of suicide. 10%.
I’m not sure if this is medicated or unmedicated.
It was called Botderline as sufferers seemed to swing from neurosis to osychosis. Now more and more people are calling it Emotionally unstable. A bit of an understatement I think, especially when I’m in the throes of osychosis and screaming at people that don’t exist, who do to me at the time, or sitting behind the door with a bread knife as I can hear people trying to break in…
Paranoid delusions also common and even more dangerous.
Many times I have “come down” from a manic psychotic period to find a trail of destruction in my life left byy psychotic self.
I can’t remember some things. I have lots of blank spots in my memory, I have seen ranting emails I have sent people, but no recollection of sending.
Things have improved since correct diagnosis and medication but I still get the odd episode if I miss the warning signs.
I still feel the same swing from pure teenage “love and adoration” to completely cold, no emotions, I can cut off emotions easy if I think I’m going get hurt.
I am imoulsuve, always have been since young. I have HUGE amounts of debt , 60k plus by time I was 24 but I don’t care. I don’t pay them back. They don’t bother me( it’s not emotional)
I take risky behaviours based upon emotional impulses.
I don’t fear death.
I don’t seem it anymore now the new super anti Depressent has kicked in, but I wouldn’t care if I knew I was going to die Tommorow.
I mostly keep safer now I have learnt about it, but I still get the impulses and still simetimes act on them.
I am intensly private. Always have been. I learnt not to trust and to look after myself and others.
No one knew when my second ex husband was beating me.
No one knows where I go, what I do, how I feel.
It’s easy to hide. It’s easy to pretend and act.
I have spend three decades learning to act to fit in. It’s not real.
I just learn how to get positive emotional responses from people.
By watching, observing and mimicking other succesful people behaviours.
I fit into any group well because I am a chameleon. From working class ( which is what I am and proud)
Drug dealers to upper class lords and ladies.
This meant i excelled at work, found out all the best information and gossip.
I do love people, like my immediete family and daughter but sometimes I have no love feelings ( or any feelings)
When I’m in defense mode and all my emotions hide.
Then I have to fake love. Even to my daughter.
Yes I feel terrible( when I’m feeling emotions again) but I don’t know what else to do. So much guilt.
It’s all exhausting. I can’t do it all the time, I need time to recharge, be miserable, be alone. I’m not really great in social situations they exhaust me.
I loathe small talk. What is the point unless I’m working??
The nail bar I go to, I love. No one talks English so I am not bothered by annoying ” where you going on your holiday ” crap
I don’t like people, but I crave company.
I need to be alone but I feel so lonely and empty all the time
 Will ignore everyone if I’m in that kind of mood.
The main issue I seem to have problems in is relationships.
This is where my own borderline is hugely, fantastically, dramatically noticeable.
I don’t know what a normal relationship is.
My love life has been an utter train wreck, divorces, broken engagements, casual sex, sexual recklessness, promiscuity and yes I have turned ” bunny boiler” a few times. Though I have never physically hurt anyone and I don’t mean to mentally hurt anyone.
I was misdiagnosed as depression (alone) for 10 years and it is only now, the meds have helped with that, I can see the BPD clearly and start therapy for that.
About 6 years ago they added panic disorder and agoraphobia to my list, last year was bipolar type 1 and it wasn’t until I paid an arm and a leg to go private I received the BPD diagnosis which my own psychiatrist then followed on.
A new stronger anti depressent, mood stabiliser, anti psychotic and sedatives when needed plus sleepers.  Suprised I don’t rattle.
Finally I was home. Forever searching for a fairytale of love, romance, passion and happy ever after.
Forever searching for something that doesn’t exist, but I can’t help but keep searching. That is all that seems important to me sometimes

22 thoughts on “The Crap people say about BPD

  1. I hear you loud and clear and totally understand what you have and are going through as I’ve gone through most of what you have too.

    I’m not being a drama queen or something but yes, BPD is like a living hell. The stigma that surrounds it is awful and my experiences show these stigmas being used by even mental health professionals. It’s bad.

    I can only hope for a better future with more understanding and hope that people read this post and yours and others too so they can learn about this illness.

    And I wish you all the best. Thank you for your post. It was important.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah thanks hun that means a lot.
    Just so much ignorance around this topic.
    Psychiatrists round this way dont understand it either. Anyone they cant diagnose gets a bpd diagnoses!

    I hope you are stable (ish) at the moment x


  3. It’s so bad!

    Unfortunately not doing so good right now. A heavy depression and insomnia. So I’m in hospital but not for long. Short stay to try and get things a bit more in check.

    I hope you are doing well.


  4. Just dont pressure yourself. The deoression does lift, in its own time!
    Was in really bad state 6 months of 2014 barely got out bed. But it improved each week with better meds.
    I still get insomnia sometimes. But not many sedatives work for me no more lol


  5. I hope you are right. I had the breakdown 4 1/2 years ago and the depression has never left me for a day since. And it’s been extremely intense like now.

    But going on…


  6. Tried a couple of dozen medications… All pretty much! At least one from each ‘family’ of meds. And I did ECT (electric shock treatment) ech… Nothing has helped longer term other than Benzos for anxiety and sleepong pills that help me sleep for 2 hours!! I’m on Wellbutrin, Prozac, Seroquel, Lamictal and Clonex and 2 sleeping pills… Got quite a cocktail going on there right?!
    They say I need therapy which I have been doing for the entire 4 1/2 years with a few different psychologists and it seems the type of therapy like talk therapy gets me nowhere. I am waiting for DBT but have been on the waiting list for a year now.


  7. Read my therapy posts under menu.
    I went private cos i need the sane therapist to builf up tryst, plus you can choose your own.
    The traditional listening counselling is crap for us.
    Read my experiences of it ha.
    Cbt helped a bit but my one now is psychoanalytical and im finally making progress.
    A lot do a sliding fee scale if you are on benefits, so instead of £50 an hour its £20 well worth it.

    Suprised the ECT didnt help.
    U tried venlafaxine? Im on them now with lamictal and chlorapromizine they are better theb the others for me.


  8. I’ll check it out thanks.
    Venlafaxine was the first anti-depressant I tried and kept on for 5 months up to max dosage but didn’t help me.

    When I first got sick I went straight to a private psychologist and private psychiatrist she knew. I went twice a week for just under a year to the psychologist and every 2 weeks to the psychiatrist.
    After the 10 months or so I was with this private therapist, she sat me down one day and said that ethically and morally she needs to stop therapy with me and said that she can see that she can’t help me.
    That hurt a lot because of how much time, money, pain and effort I had put in, but saw that the therapy wasn’t going anywhere really.
    Then ended up in hospital for 2 years and in and out and this and that.. And now more symptoms, stronger symptoms… Like there is no way out.


  9. What type of therapy was it? U may need a more experienced one.
    I hate to say it but nhs is bad. I saved up £350 to see a private psychiatrist who finally gave me help after 14 years on nhs.


  10. There are stronger sleepers too. But they controlled drugs but your psch will see you are an extreme case. Doesnt hurt to push them.
    Keep trying with the meds, something may help. Or maybe you need a specialist psychiatrist in medication resistant cases x


  11. Cruddy therapy (i know now) where you sit and talk and they listen. Gets nobody nowhere.

    I am so glad you are getting the help now that you much deserve!


  12. Haha. Fo’ sure! Hopefully I will get a place soon for the DBT group therapy and one on one with it too. I have a therapist now but she’s sitting back too when I told her at the beginning I need more feedback amd tools and interraction.


  13. I would look into going private hun, need psycho analytical or somrthing like that.
    Takes a lot more years ti train in that type.
    We have a complex illness which normal counselling cant cut it.


  14. Im just scraping by for food and basics as I’m unable to work a regular job. So private is totally out of the question even though it’s so important there’s no way I can pay a penny.


  15. You need to create a fuss eith nhs or get sineone ekse to.
    Phone the Mind info line, they can sort out legal advice, get you an advocate to get you seen by a soecialist and some other treatnent.
    Sorry bout spelling! On phone and no spell check lol


  16. I’m not in the UK now. I live abroad. I am entitled to a therapist for a year for free and I have one now but you are not given a choice so it’s just who you are given! They match you up I guess but anyway doubt there are therapists that have experience with BPD so of course I will take the free one for now! Hopefully my financial situation will change at some point!


  17. “Borderlines can do very well”. It’s too bad there is so much unnecessary negativity out there about the condition.
    I agree with you that extreme cases (meaning really, people in very difficult circumstances) get put forward on these boards as examples of “monstrous borderlines” and then this distorted view of people with BPD gets generalized onto everyone who is associated with the label.
    To respond to your thought about BPD existing, there is in fact doubt about whether it actually does. That is not to say that all the symptoms do not exist; they do (I’ve experienced all of them). But whether a distinct valid diagnosis called BPD exists, is quite another matter.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Interesting idea. What do you think it could be then? A variant on BP/depression and psychosis
    How about the type of brain faults prominant in bpd and not in BP?

    I think its different enough to warrent its own name. Tho i dont like what my psch calls it; emotionally unstable personality disorder lol 😉 xxx


  19. Yes, emotionally unstable PD sounds even more general and meaningless (to me) than the label borderline. Everyone can be unstable to different degrees in different circumstances, for longer or shorter periods… I think borderline PD is an unrealistically concrete abstraction/reification that was created by therapists who historically have looked at people who get arrested emotionally in a phase of childhood development where (all-bad) splitting is dominant.

    There is really no dividing line between non-borderline or borderline, in my opinion; in other words the creation of a category is artificial and imposed. More realistically – again in my opinion – emotional problems are all a matter of degree or severity of different issues, along a continuum or spectrum, to to speak. The human mind likes very much to put order and categories into areas that seem random, confusing, and difficult to classify (like human emotional experience). That’s why I think people come up with terms like borderline. It is similar to how people order the stars by naming certain groups of stars as constellations. The constellations aren’t really there in the natural world; we just see them there.

    As for brain faults, negative experience with the environment can always modify the brain in various ways that show up on brainscans. But again, that doesn’t necessarily prove that there is a pattern to the brain differences in certain people that proves the existence of a disorder called BPD. I’m not sure if that will read clearly… it just doesn’t make sense to me that people infer or “prove” the differences between “borderlines” and ‘normals” by brain scans in which groups differ very much among each other (i.e. among different “borderlines”) as well as between the supposed two groups. It is too simplistic given the complexity of what (little) we know about the brain. Anyway those are my thoughts 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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