I have to admit, I do struggle most with relationships.
I get involved too fast to fill the emptiness within me, I love too much and ignore red flags, I am terrified of abAndoment and used to do everything I could to keep a man
Now I push them away before they can hurt me.
This is a recent argument I had with one boyfriend that highlights the damage the past has caused my emotions and psyche;
Him: what’s wrong babe you are so quiet.
Me (through gritted teeth in a seething whisper) : You lied to meeeed
Him (normal time of voice) :what?,what are you talking about ? I don’t lie. Lied about what??
Me (in hysterical scream) : DONT SHOUT AT ME!!!!! ( break down into hysterical crying
Him ( gentle voice and looking extremely confused) : babe I wouldn’t lie to you…
Me: you are just the same as the others! I don’t know what you are lying about, but you are!
Yes I am nuts I know.
But men all through my adult life have left me unable to function within a healthy relationship.
If I’m paranoid ( which isn’t too bad Amy more thank god) I will
- Accuse the guy of cheating on me with ex/random girl whoever
- I will get delusions and become 100% convinced they are true
- False memories
- Text the guy many many many insulting messeges
- Be absolutely distraught, as these thoughts are REAL to me at the time. I haven’t known pain like it.
Will dump the guy at least once a week then carry on as normal after a couple of days….
So yes I’m hard work because of past abuse and controlling people making me hyper paranoid and vigilant AND cos of my brains inability to regulate emotions, think rationally and also my depression changes the way I perceive reality.
I don’t know what a normal relationship is…. I’ve lived off drama, anger, conflict, manipulation, abuse and having to adapt my personality to have a peaceful life.
But of course it’s never been peaceful, my head is a shit.
I was unmedicated for so many years and I turned to drugs, drink, extreme promiscuity, thrill seeking to get my emotions up and this was so damaging. And I did a LOT of embarrassing things 😉
My therapist is helping me work through these issues along with my meds but more about them later xxxx