Depression Cavern

The cavern of depression

The first thing to return was my hearing 
The deafening sound of silence bar my breathing
Coldness seeped up from where I lay
Like tendrils of ice and I began to pray
Not here again, oh god, oh no 
Not this cavern of sorrow and woe 
Not this dark pit, this hell damned place 
With the fluttering bats with the grinning face 
I opened my eyes and a cry escaped my lips 
I was in the cave with its jagged rock tips
the shard covered floor dank and gloom
The exit above, I could seen the moon 
I screamed for help, I tried of course 
Till my voice was ragged and horse.
No one came. They never do
Down in the hell I was used to
The walls were sheer, I couldn’t climb
So I sat, curled up, hanging in time
Down in Depression cavern I let out a moan
Of desolation and fear, but I was all alone. 
No one comes.

My world poem 

Welcome to my world 

Oh hi there, excuse me, you must be new 
Welcome welcome welcome, pull up a pew.
I must explain where you are
Here have a drink, you have travelled far
Your in my world, my poor dear fellow
Stop shouting it won’t help. Now no need to bellow! 
Well, no matter, worry not, pay no mind
It’s too late now to go to what is behind
See the walls? They shimmer and shake
Forever changing, like a giant  rainbow snake
Don’t step too close, his mood does vary
I don’t want to have you to bury. 
Happy and sadness and anger and love
Here in this world you get all of the above
Intensely strong is not the word
Tornado of emotions, impulses we serve
Rationality here is useless,
Passions and impulses ruthless 
Today you will feel good and grin
Tommorow you feel gloomy and grim
Twisted memory’s, brain imbalance 
Paranoia rules in noise and silence
Your eyes and mind you can’t trust here
Delusions, psychosis make things seem clear
But we can’t trust anyone, least of all ourself
So be strong, be stoic, steel yourself
It’s isolated here, inside my brain.
I like it that way. People cause pain. 
Depressive or manic, 
Rage or in panic
You are here now forever so be brave and bold 
Welcome, oh welcome to my world. 

The Warrior. A poem

warning: some mild triggers possible

The warrior

Trudging legs through mud like lead

Wading through old bones of the dead

Bleeding, cut, scratched, battered hard

Countless battles and journeys left her scarred

Traces of tears engrained on her bloody face 

from abuse, treachery, lies , she picks up pace

She has fought fights seen doom

 seen blackness, evil, and other gloom

On the surface , like the iceberg tips

Ripples of water, underneath seductive lips

Hidden Behind the mask of glitz and glamour

Behind the passionate and stein amour

The solitary warrior stumbles across on stony ground 

Cut and bleeding, no one else around

Her blonde hair is tangled, her make up smudged

Scarred and wounded onward she trudged.

Limping and in pain, heart ripped to shreds 

Her heart wanted no more than to be dead

To give up, to die 

Let the pain end, 

The constant suffering to lift and ascend 

But on she tramps, eyes filled with steel

Used, abused, searching for an emotional meal. 

And the scars are deep 

She cannot sleep

Nor rest

Nor feel content

Or at ease

She cannot trust, love or believe.

These things have been stolen from her, like the love of life 

Her past has had a very high price. 

Succubus to men she seduces to gain affection

Fill up the black hole in her empty pit of emotions

Mother, daughter, lover she is all three

But one things she wants she has to fight hard to see

Pure love back, despite all her scars, despite her wrong doings, a love to the stars

From total apathy to emotional tornado

Crushed and crumpled, used, chucked and tramplelled 

She trusts no one. Especially not her own head

Reality, paranoia, hallucinations which is which??

The rescuer, the supporter the one that knows what to do.

The one that workmates, friends and family turn to

Lost little girl

Emotional turmoil hits like pure grief in sobs

Peace, anxiety is what BPD robs

Panic, depression, lonely, anxiety, mood swings, hallucinations, delusions,  addictions, 

Appetite gone, sick and ache, wanting to self harm. 

No sleep, too much sleep, mania and shame. 

Wanting to die. Wanting to create a way to look like accidental suicide

Worry, guilt, self hate

Whore whore whore slut

Shit mum, waste of space, idiot, lazy 

bitch and bad to the core

And definatly a fucking whore. 

Over 25 years I have been that battle scarred warrior. 

Hardened from naive little girl looking for her prince to a fighter 

It’s overwhelming to keep trudging on.

Would love to lie down and let life be gone 

But I persevere a slither of hope is my light. 

Eternal optimist, I continue my fight

Inside I am scared, too much emotions I feel

In reality I am strong built from steel

But never underestimate the injured warrior as weak. 

Or silly, or blonde or meek. 

Im forged with fire and metal  made in hell

My spirit is scarred but cannot be quelled

My inner torment u will never see, 

the ones I battle in my head every second, 

I want to be free.


So I’m finally coming out the other side. 4 months this time of milder depression than last year but still 80% time in bed.

This is how I view my catatonic, severe depression I had last year when I was in bed 6 months unable to move. 

“I awake and feel bleak. I feel alone. I feel cold. I feel nothing.

I’m in a huge cavern, sharp jagged rocks litter the floor and the walls are smooth. 

It’s always night, and the moonlight streams in through the only exit. A small hole , the size of a manhole cover, is in the ceiling about 20 metres above me.

I can’t climb the sheer walls, I try and fall on the sharp rocks. 

I sit in a corner, bloody and bruised, arms wrapped round my legs, rocking. 

My only companions are the bats that flutter about sometimes and a few insects that venture into the dark pit.

I scream and scream for help

No one comes

I cry, I sob, I wail. 

No one comes.

I’m alone and I stop trying to get out and sit there rocking. Unable to move”

I’ve had this image in my head since I was 15. Each time the depression engulfed me.

I have figured out over the years this is obviously symbolic and the bats and insects represent people in my life whilst I am depressed. 

I can’t relate to them or talk to them, as people may as well be a different species whilst I am alone in my pit. 

Alone in a crowd kinda thing. They can’t help me. 

I can’t help me.

A super high dose anti depressents helped me ! Slowly soooooo slowly

Month after month I slowly improved a little.

A year on and I still improve every month. 

Some months I seem to go back but I got to carry on. 

The weather is helping hugely, plus my puppy as I get out twice a day to walk her. 

I still isolate myself a lot but have been starting to see my family again. Not for too long lol but it’s a start. 

Having catatonic depression is a disability.

You cannot physically move. It’s like the connection between brain and limbs is faulty.

You can’t bath, shower, clean teeth, get post let alone pay bills, cool etc

Just a prisoner in your bed. Thinking about getting that glass of water on your bedside table for 2 hours before you can muster the strength to do it. 

Left alone with your morbid thoughts and wishing to die, but being too apathetic an lethargic to do anything about it.

Clinical depression cannot be helped by excercise etc. you cannot physically move to even go to kitchen let alone out.

Once you start to recover things like that help, but not whilst down in the depths of the cavern. 

It’s like will excercise, milky drinks, yoga or hot baths help me get out of that cavern floor? No course they won’t. 

We need a rope and than gradually be lifted up. 

My rope was medication x 

Spring lift


so having been in a depressive state since New Years the fog has started to lift.

Sleeping up to 16 hours a day, no motivation and energy I am slowly rejoining the land of the living.

Think the nice sunny weather is helping.

But unfortunately I realised how much weight I need to lose……. A TON!!!

The anti psychotics and depression has taken its toll this last year and I’m the heaviest I have ever been.

Diet starts now.

Wish me luck x

Borderline Love

This is an area in which people with BPD struggle intensely. 

We usually have a train wreck of relationships, broken marriages, unsuitable, unavailable partners, and also more prone to being hooked in by controlling, narcissistic or dependent partners.  

Many factors ensure maximum chaos and destruction in a BPD relationship. 

*Out of control emotions

These can push people away when we become obsessively jealous, have fire fueled rages, deep depression, low self esteem, pschosis or overwhelming with all our love

*Push Pull

Adoration and devaluation when doubt creeps in our mind. From all consuming love to cold apathy in seconds. 

*Paranoia of abandonment  

Jealousy, excessive texts, calls, out of control emotions, psychosis, to the extreme of stalking, accusations etc

*To fill the emptiness inside

This is why we can be more prone to falling for other cluster B personality disorders, narcistics, controlling, manipulative people.

We need to feel wanted, huge amounts of love to stop the paranoia and emotiness. We tend to overlook all faults to maintain our “fairy tale love” fantasy.

The alternative seems too scary.

*Self harm, suicidal thoughts;

This is very very hard for us to deal with and we understand it ( kinda)

To people with no knowledge this is scary and can send people running or end up with a malignant or equally as “damaged” person. Either is no good for us. 

*Impulsiveness- sex

Sometimes we may or may not cheat. 

We may do things without thinking, reckless behaviour, live for the moment.

I will do another post on how to have a healthy relationship. It’s extra hard as many of us don’t know what normal is.  

In brief these things will help;



*having our own lives, activities to be happy in ourselves. 

*recognising red flags to bad relationships.

Weight gain on psychiatric Meds

We all know the joy of medication side effects. The most annoying one, I think, is weight gain.

You don’t even have to eat and you still pile on the stone!!!

This is a mixture of a slower metabolism and cravings for sugar/carbohydrates.

Some meds put you at risk of type 2 diabetics, obesity and several more unsavoury things. 

We shall start with Anti-psychotics. The well known Fatty pills. 

Other negative effects are shown here:

Now I have gained far more that the 10lb is states. 😳 so how do I go about shifting this.

I think it’s the old fashioned way; eating less / more healthy and excercising more nooooo

It’s not just the antipsychotics. Antidepressants and mood stabilisers can ALS0 put on the weight. 

Any diet tips welcomed, or easy excersises for lazy people like me, who can’t get out bed some days please comment. 

We need help!!! Lol

Also found a chart regarding anti depressent effectiveness survey along with side effects

On a lot of medications we need to get blood tests regularly. I’m going to book some soon. For; 

Liver/kidney function ( most meds cross both these)

Cholesterol, prolactin levels

ECG cos of venaflaxine. Let me know if I have missed any!! X

Free Boob Job – drug side effects

so after the size of my boobs has been steadily increasing I decided to do some research. I know I’ve put on weight! But not that much lol

I found some of our psch meds can have the rare side effect of increasing prolactin production. 

This is the hormone that increases during pregnancy to create breast milk and boob size. It can happen to men or women. 

Asking on my groups I found several women who said they had actually starting producing milk on it and leaking. 

The meds are usually anti psychotics. But research into my meds has shown me that my anti depressent venaflaxine and mood stabiliser lactimal can also have this rare side effect. 

So on all 3 meds no wonder they are growing!! Hope I don’t start producing milk tho lol